I am Attempting Each Merchandise on IHOP’s ‘Indiana Jones’ Menu

You clicked on a hyperlink for a 3,000-word article about IHOP’s Indiana Jones menu. Your selection… was a sensible one.

To have a good time the launch of the brand new Xbox recreation, Indiana Jones and the Nice Circle, IHOP has launched six limited-time dishes impressed by the beloved archaeology professor. The choices function three distinct sorts of stuffed French toast, alongside a number of gadgets showcasing Indiana Jones’ well-known favourite: cookie butter.

(What? You don’t recall the long-lasting second in Raiders of the Misplaced Ark when Indy dramatically retrieves a jar of cookie butter from his satchel, exclaiming, “It belongs in a museum!”? Clearly, you haven’t seen the director’s lower!)

READ MORE: 12 Films You By no means Knew Have been Produced by George Lucas

Wow, that’s lots of bread within the image! Immediately, I’m set to eat all of it. You might marvel why (so may my bewildered spouse). Similar to Indiana Jones, I take my job severely. For almost a decade, as a film journalist, I’ve made it my mission to pattern any film-themed menu gadgets at main chain eating places. In latest ventures, I’ve tried an Addams Household purple Whopper, and Beetlejuice Beetlejuicy Burgers. I’ve even inhaled a calzony formed like The Batman brand and indulged in IF dazzelberry pancakes.

Earlier than you ask, I’ll make clear: I do not know what a dazzelberry or calzony really is. Like Indiana Jones, I’m an explorer of the unknown, a person risking his life to retrieve objects unseen by human eyes. The one main distinction is I eat these objects afterward.

For this perilous culinary journey, I’ve enlisted Griffin Newman, co-host of the Clean Examine podcast and a fellow adventurer within the realm of cinematic delicacies. Griffin, a proficient actor and comic often showing on display, may need higher methods to spend his time than sampling cookie butter French toast with me, however fortunately, he all the time says sure to my invites.

We’ve simply ordered our first course of archeologically themed breakfast gadgets. Immediately, you may consult with us as… Indiana Jones and the Eaters of the Promotional Tie-In Menu. (Simply to make clear, Indiana Jones is not with us. I did prolong an invite to Harrison Ford to hitch us for French toast sticks at downtown Brooklyn’s IHOP, however surprisingly, I didn’t obtain a response.)

The query we goal to reply: Does IHOP’s menu seize the essence of Indiana Jones? This text, very similar to the traditional serials that impressed George Lucas and Philip Kaufman, will likely be introduced in installments, so preserve returning for our updates—will we narrowly escape peril or turn into trapped beneath a mountain of stuffed French toast?

UPDATE #1

To start, we opted for the “Junior Adventurer’s Cookie Butter French Toast Sticks.” Consider it as a chilly open the place Indy acquires the fertility idol earlier than venturing after the Ark of the Covenant—solely there’s extra cookie butter concerned.

IHOP describes this dish as follows:

These French toast sticks are good for dipping in creamy cookie butter, complemented by contemporary strawberries and bananas. (850 energy)

Right here’s what the merchandise appears like on IHOP’s web site:

And right here’s what we obtained:

We have encountered these dippers earlier than, albeit in a barely completely different format. The IHOP Wonka menu featured the identical French toast sticks served with chocolate sauce as an alternative of cookie butter—as a result of as beforehand famous, Indiana Jones loves cookie butter!

The cooks at our IHOP have performed commendable work presenting the dish. I need to admit, French toast dipped in cookie butter is fairly good. (Bananas dipped in cookie butter? Even higher.) Nonetheless, Griffin and I are operating our minds making an attempt to attach this dish to the Indiana Jones franchise and are arising empty. Maybe there was a The Younger Indiana Jones Chronicles episode the place child Indy by chance invents cookie butter?

At this level, I’m merely stalling earlier than diving into three plates of stuffed French toast. Let’s press on.

UPDATE #2

Stuffed French toast… why should or not it’s stuffed French toast?

Severely, why is there a lot stuffed French toast on an Indiana Jones menu? What connection does this particular meals—amongst all doable choices—should Indiana Jones? I can’t recall a single important French character or France-set scene throughout 5 Indiana Jones movies. (Possibly there’s one thing in Indiana Jones and the Nice Circle—which I haven’t performed—however I discovered no proof on-line.)

The plain meals connections with Indiana Jones embrace the notorious chilled monkey brains and different culinary horrors from Temple of Doom. I’d’ve admired any restaurant with massive crystal skulls appropriate for serving chilled monkey brains, however I perceive why IHOP selected a special path.

This path led us to 3 stuffed French toasts. The primary we’re making an attempt in the present day is “The Nice Circle of Cinnamon.” Right here’s IHOP’s description:

This treasure trove options layers of wealthy cinnamon unfold, drizzled with candy cream cheese icing, making you’re feeling such as you’ve unearthed an historic culinary secret. (1240 energy)

Right here’s the way it appears on the IHOP menu:

And right here’s what was served to us.

Whereas they gave it their greatest effort, very similar to Indiana Jones’ try to guard the Ark from the Nazis, the execution fell brief. If that is “The Nice Circle of Cinnamon,” why not merely create a round cinnamon unfold on prime? Would not which have been simpler?

Ominously, after we sliced the 2 outsized items of French toast, the goo poured down onto the plate, paying homage to the waterfall in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Cranium. Is that theming?

Taste-wise, it’s first rate… for those who’re within the temper for the sweetest, most cinnamon-filled French toast conceivable. Initially, I used to be going to say it doesn’t seize the heart-pounding essence of Indiana Jones—till my coronary heart began racing, much like through the thrilling mine cart chase in Temple of Doom. That probably has extra to do with my ldl cholesterol degree, although.

Two extra stuffed French toasts stay. Will there be diminishing returns as with the Indiana Jones sequels? Keep tuned…

UPDATE #3:

After almost ten years of tasting themed menus, I’m starting to grasp what Indiana Jones meant when he mentioned, “It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage.”

Subsequent, we’ll be making an attempt the “Berry’d Treasure Stuffed French Toast,” which consists of:

Gems of juicy glazed blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries drizzled with wealthy cream cheese icing; it’s a berry’d treasure you gained’t resist!

This is the superbly staged picture from the IHOP menu:

And here is what we obtained:

No, that’s not the identical picture as earlier than. The dishes appeared almost similar, apart from the colour of the topping. This one got here with a sticky purplish sauce.

Style-wise, it was distinctly completely different; reasonably than cinnamon, this dish featured a berry sauce. Nonetheless, as Griffin cleverly identified, “I hesitate to say this, nevertheless it’s a lot sweeter than I anticipated.” We couldn’t discover any “gems” of berries—simply an amazing sweetness and traces of what might have as soon as resembled fruit.

Moreover, I’m not sure my overhead pictures seize the sheer thickness of those plates of “stuffed French toast.” Right here’s a aspect view:

Who genuinely requires this a lot bread in a single serving? I’ve purchased complete loaves of bread on the grocery retailer that weigh lower than this dish. This berry’d treasure will likely be buried in my intestine for eternity.

Two down, one to go. I’m starting to really feel as if I’ve simply gazed into the Ark of the Covenant…

UPDATE #4

Keep in mind in Raiders of the Misplaced Ark the place Indy nearly will get poisoned, however Sallah snatches the lethal fruit from midair and remarks, “Unhealthy dates,” earlier than they look down on the small monkey on the ground?

Proper now, I determine with that monkey.

In the end, we’ve reached our ultimate stuffed French toast course: the “Secret Cookie Butter Stuffed French Toast.” IHOP describes it as:

Layers of creamy cookie butter and vanilla sauces topped with cookie crumbles, paying homage to misplaced treasures from distant lands.

It’s akin to that well-known line from Kingdom of the Crystal Cranium: “Cookie butter … cookie butter was their treasure.”

The menu picture appears like this:

And right here’s what was served:

There’s nothing “secret” concerning the cookie butter right here; this French toast is virtually drowning in it! It’s the closest match to its menu depiction and maybe evokes the essence of Indiana Jones’ well-known adventures. As Griffin observes, “Indiana Jones’ colour scheme is brown. This menu could be very a lot in that palette.” He’s completely proper! That is some exceptionally unappetizing meals.

In some regards, this was one of the best merchandise we tried, however in others, it was the worst. The cookie butter and crunchy cookie bits do pair properly as a topping for French toast; on a single piece of normal French toast, it will be a satisfying meal. Nonetheless, IHOP served it as stuffed French toast, with bread thicker than Henry Jones Sr.’s Grail diary.

The cookie butter is predominantly on the highest layer, with only a skinny unfold of cream cheese icing in between the 2 slices. Consequently, the decrease slice is drier than the dessert the place Indy makes use of the Workers of Ra. After just a few bites, Griffin and I made the chief determination to solely eat the highest slice, which we each agreed labored significantly better.

Nonetheless, we every consumed about 3,500 energy in a single sitting. Subsequently, our opinions won’t be completely dependable at this level. Fortunately, we solely have one course remaining.

FINAL UPDATE:

Our waitress, who has been extremely affected person and non-judgmental, positioned our desserts on the desk, and I turned to Griffin, exclaiming, “Don’t look! Maintain your eyes shut!”

However holding our eyes shut didn’t protect us from what awaited. First up was the Lengthy Misplaced Cookie Butter Milkshake:

“This chilly & creamy milkshake blends cookie butter, cookie items, and wealthy vanilla ice cream, making you’re feeling such as you’ve uncovered a hidden treasure!” (860 energy)

Right here’s the promotional picture:

And right here’s what we obtained:

Very like Dial of Future, it appears first rate—synthetic and uncanny, but near what you count on. Taste-wise—and I can’t consider I’m admitting this after consuming a jar and a half of cookie butter—I want it had a stronger cookie butter style. It performs like an everyday vanilla milkshake with just a few cookie crumbles on prime, however for a cookie butter shake, it disappointingly falls brief.

Final however not least, we have now the “Explorer’s Caramel Apple Butter Sizzling Chocolate,” described as:

“Wealthy scorching cocoa infused with caramel and apple butter flavors to create a comfy drink, good for post-adventure rest.” (250 energy)

When you in all probability do not want an instance of how a cup of scorching chocolate is meant to look, I’ll share it anyway:

And what we obtained:

Griffin graciously filmed me as I sampled this one. I’ve consumed many uncommon meals and drinks all through my life, however nothing ready me for the horror of this caramel apple butter scorching chocolate. It appeared acceptable, however the style… was completely dreadful. (With this quantity of sugar ingested in simply two hours, it’s a miracle I’m nonetheless coherent!)

Sizzling chocolate with caramel taste is already extreme, however the menu proclaims that is scorching chocolate infused with separate caramel and apple butter flavors. In follow, it doesn’t resemble any of these flavors. I may barely detect any chocolate upon entry. As an alternative, I used to be assaulted with a sickly, medicinal style. Moderately than feeling like I’m stress-free by a campfire after thrilling escapades, I felt like I used to be gulping scorching Dimetapp. It’s weird.

In abstract, this menu was peculiar. The surplus of French toast is overwhelming! A reader on Bluesky identified that if that is meant to advertise Indiana Jones and the Nice Circle, wouldn’t pancakes be extra becoming for a “nice circle”? Whereas one other reader famous that Indy’s Raiders adversary, Belloq, occurs to be French, I doubt IHOP meant that connection. Maybe the advertising and marketing staff merely adores Paul Freeman.

This expertise was undeniably unusual—stranger than Shia LaBeouf swinging by means of the jungle in Crystal Cranium. But, I’ve turn into accustomed to such peculiarities by now. On this function, I often eat meals that defy purpose or digestion. I deal with my physique like a temple. (Of Doom.) Why do I proceed this? For fortune and glory, child. Fortune and glory.